


The Babysitter [Correction: Substitute Handler]

by kitkatz221



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Cupcakes, Gen, Hide and Seek, Multi, Paintball, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Thesis is DONE!, promise to update soon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-01-09 08:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkatz221/pseuds/kitkatz221
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coulson has to go out of town for a week. This will not end well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day -1 : Friday

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing
> 
> Floors:  
> -10: The Hulk containment  
> 0-18 public (open to lease space)  
> 19-35 Offices open to Stark Enterprises  
> 36-39 Kitchen/ Cafeteria   
> 40-50 Office open to Stark Enterprise Classified  
> 51-57 R&D/Labs  
> 58-59: Shooting range  
> 60-79 Labs  
>  64-66 Banner/ Foster shared Lab  
> 80-90 Avengers quarters  
>  80 Guest  
>  81 Guest  
>  82 Darcy  
>  83 Jane Foster (not that she uses it)  
>  84 Phil Coulson  
>  85 Thor  
>  86 Clint Barton  
>  87 Natasha Romanoff  
>  88 Bruce Banner  
>  89 Steve Rodgers  
>  90-91- Tony Stark (it his tower)  
>  92- Communal living room  
>  93- Avengers meeting room “War room”  
>  “94”- Helipad / iron man landing pad/ hawk perch (Tony got tired of finding Barton up there, just made him a place)

Day -1 : Friday

\---------------

“Sir what have I done to be punished. Once you tell me I will never do it again”

“What ?”

“What am I doing here if I do didn't do anything wrong”

“Nothing. You did everything right. Please have a seat.”

“What?”

“I am going to Atlanta for a week and am not taking the Avengers. They will need someone to be their temporary handler. And I have decided that you would be a good fit”

“Sir, I respectfully decline this impressive promotion, in your eyes, but I am neither of the right clearance level nor a babysitter”

“Well I'm sorry to hear that, but Director Fury gave me the option of selecting the Avengers secondary handler and after some consideration you are qualified, as of ten minutes ago you security clearance was upgraded and you are not a babysitter, you will be a glorified substitute.”

“Sir, let me repeat. What did I do to deserve this? once you inform me, I will never knowingly do it again”

“You did not come to my attention because of something horrible you did. you are very good at your job and I want to give you this opportunity.”

“Sir the last 4 people that have been a ‘substitute’ for the Avengers...” She lifted one finger at a time as she named off the fates of the agents.

“Number One transferred to Alaska to make sure she would not be assigned to them again. Number two quite SHILED and is not working in a grocery store Number three is now living in Europe somewhere on an island to do a study in the exciting world of unnatural elements on Earth and last but certainly not least number four, and most recent is in a mental intuition, living in a padded cell.”

“I think they like to call them mental hospitals for improved mental stability, and I think he gets rec room time, if that helps.”

“Oh, well that changed everything. “ She said throwing up her hands.

“Really?”

“No, not really. as I stated before, thankyou but no thank you. I would rather retire with my mental health, all my limbs, and avoid being electrocuted.”

“All do respect, I don't think anyone has lost a limb yet while working with the Avengers Initiative.”

“That's comforting.”

“Well now that we have all that out of the way, be at the tower at five tomorrow.” He said fully content with the conversation

“Sir, I never said yes. “

“I know but you know you have no choice. I'm giving you a chance to have demands though, you already have a higher clearance level anything else?”

“Pay raise”

“Done with the higher clearance”

“Better insurance, covering anything the Avengers and their enemy's can come up with”

“Ok”

“And that includes anything we don't know about yet”

“Done. Anything else?”

“The permission to shoot Barton when he tries to jump off a building?”

“Valid, but no, that is my option, and only mine”

There was a snort from in the vents. Then a quiet “shit”.

She oriented her finger toward the vent opening in Coulson’s office. “See. This is what I'm talking about”

“Barton out now!”

Barton came swinging out of the vent like a supermodel. “sir” he said smugly.

“What are you doing?”

“Seeing what your super secret meeting was for. Why didn't you tell me you were going out of town? when are you leaving?”

“Sunday. Fury told me about it this morning, when I was... injured and on vacation, I missed my recertifications and continued education, I need to get those done. So I'm leaving Sunday evening to get everything up to date.”

“And I can't come with you?”

“No Barton I don't need protection.”

“This is Agent Samantha Ryan. Please tell everyone to meet in the communal living space and we will have a meeting. Now Barton OUT!”

“Sir” Clint Barton said looking stoic but slightly hurt.

Ryan watched Barton walk out Coulsons office and turnd to look at the Agent with slight panic.

“Sir,I can't do this.”

“Yes you can”

“Can't they take care of themselves, they are adults. Not 3.”

“Agent, this file is what paperwork I need to finish before I leave. They haven't had any actionable events in a week. This file is what they broke or did because they are bored.” Coulson handed a file over to her. it held a couple dozen pieces of papers . The ever standard shield file reports she noted. This was “Actionable” paperwork to either get a cover story, repair, compensate, etc

First page.

\------------------------------------------------------------  
Name: Agent Natasha Romanoff.

Event: While sharpening knives in common room of Avengers Tower (Formerly Stark tower), romba Number Twenty (designation: Skippy) attacked the Agent and one knife was used to debilitate “Skippy”.

Action: Compensate A. Stark.

Response of Affected Party:  A. Stark response:  ‘F*** Her. She hurt Mr. BoB (correction: ‘Skippy’), She will pay’.

Suggested Action Required: Watch A. Stark for revenge within the next [ four days ].

Optional Possibilities: N. Romanoff retaliation possible. Account for all personal daggers.

Follow Up: Not performed.   
  


 

Agent Phil Coulson- Electronic Signature   
\-------------------------------------------------------------

She looked at the report. There were a lot of these. Including Barton blowing up a microwave.

“How did Barton blow up a microwave?”

“I am not sure yet. Stark was interested too. He thinks if Barton can blow something up, then it is not worth of being in His tower. So he is building a better one.” Coulson said offhandedly going back to paperwork.

“This was just in the past week?“ Ryan said in awe.

“Yes. See you tomorrow at 5 Agent Ryan.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 


	2. Day +0: Saturday

Day +0: Saturday

 

She decided arriving a half hour early was good enough. Not to impress Coulson but to throw off the people she was supposed to work with. Surprise was key.  Whether it is through shocking, bribery, or flattery. it was always worth it no matter the annoyance.  She also has 3 dozen gourmet cupcakes. and a duffle bag full of toys she picked up from the armory. She thought the cupcakes couldn't hurt.

\-------------------------------------------------------

“Agent, we don't need a babysitter” said Stark after Coulson gave them his itinerary and lecture on how they must “play nice”

“She will not be a ‘Babysitter’, she is going to be your SHIELD liaison while I am gone.”

The Avengers were in the main communal living room on the 65th floor of the 93 story Avengers Tower. All were involved even Banner. Quiet but still engaged in the discussion.

“Tony, Please, Phil is just trying to make sure we have someone to go to while he is gone. Would you rather go to Hill or Fury if something happens?” said Steve.

Stark sat down in a huff conceding his point.

“Listen, I will be back in a week and all of your....’friends’ are too busy fighting with each other or scheming something that will take longer than a week to come to fruition, trust me I have checked.”

“You called up our Arch Enimies and asked if they would take a vacation?” asked Banner.

“Yes, Phil booked them all in a spa for 2 weeks.” Barton replied rolling his eyes.

“Sir, we don't need someone here we don't know.” said Barton sitting up straighter. .

“I agree with Barton, we can take care of things for a week.” said Romanoff

“You promise not to test out your knife throwing at electric robots again?” asked Coulson

Romanoff cast her eyes down and gave a small twitch of her lips. “That was fun”

“Son of Cole, why do we need this unnamed person to watch us, do u not believe we can feed and clothe ourselves?” Thor asked/

“Thor, that is not what I mean. I just want……..”

“...sir, Agent Samantha Ryan in the lobby asking for you” said Jarvis interrupting Coulsons line of thought.

“Think god she's early, Jarvis please send her up.”

“Of course sir”

\-------------------------------------------------------------

“Agent Ryan, Agent Coulson has asked if you would head up now. Elevator 3 please.”

“Um, thank you.”  Sam moved toward the elevator banks and entered the one that opened. “Um, I'm assuming you are Jarvis?”

“Yes agent Ryan.”

“So how bad is it? I know Agent Coulson is talking to them and warning them.”

“It is as expected”

“I'm doomed aren't i?”

“Not necessarily.  I think they may go easy on you because of the cupcakes you are carrying.”

Ryan went into thought while she went higher into the tower she decided to name the Tower of Doom. She should just call the shield medical ward and have them reserve her a bed. You know, just in case.

\----------------------------------

As soon as Jarvis notified the group she was on her way Stark had her classified SHILED file on display in front of him. Barton, Rominove, Darcy, and Thor were looking over his shoulder reading while Banner, Jane, and Steve were talking about how wrong is was reading her private files and then Steve pointed out why everyone was wondering why they needed a babysitter.  Coulson moved to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee. Pepper was in the kitchen with a fresh cup already in hand.

“Are you sure about this? bringing in someone they don't know” asked Pepper.

“I need someone. I don't have the luxury to glide someone into it. If they can't handle the ‘Avengers and friends’ when they are cranky and bored, then they can't be trusted when the group is really in danger and they need the stability of a voice they can trust in their ear. “

“Makes sense. But Barton too?”

“I know, but it can't be avoided. He is part of the team. He needs to learn to play nice in the sandbox. I will leave him with instructions not to be as bad as he was last time. I didn't think Adams would break like that though. I should send him a card. I hope he gets better soon.

“Well I will make sure they don't get her to the point of shooting one of them.”

“Thanks. I'm A bit afraid that is always Barton's goal when I try this.”

“Well, Tonys is to get them into a psych unit. He won $500 over Adams..”

“I know.”

“Of course you do. What are they planning with Ryan?

“Won't know till they meet her. My guess, between shooting Barton or Stark and trying to get her to cry over some electronic.”

“Oo I bet on shooting someone.  Unless it's shooting then crying is an option, then I would bet that.” said Pepper a little sadistically. Sometimes Pepper Potts one was scary woman. .

Coulson heard a small ding sound.

“I guess it's time to get to her first.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------

When the elevator door opened there was no one inside.

Coulson looked down as saw 3 boxes of gourmet cupcakes of different flavors and a duffle bag. Coulson smiled slightly at what was going to happen. She was good. This may be fun to watch. This was why he picked her. She was just as cunning as the people behind him watching the empty elevator.

\----------------------------------------------------------

Coulson picked up the boxes and walked over to the table.

“What is this?” asked Steve.

“Cupcakes”

“Excellent, she's bribing us” said Stark.

“These are most wonderful cake in a cup” said Thor

“Dude, it's cupcake. If you ever want to blend in you gotta remember this” said Darcy. While she picked one for herself.

“Ok, then where is she. Did we already run her off?” asked Banner.

“Jarvis, where is Agent Ryan?”

“Sir, I have been asked not to tell you.”

“What? why?”

“Because she would like you not to know. She did ask if ..in her words...’if you would like to play a game.?”


	3. dark side?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Because she would like you not to know. She did ask if ..in her words...’if you would like to play a game.?”
> 
> “What? Is she playing hide and seek with spy's, superheroes and geniuses.?” Stark asked of the disembodied voice
> 
> “Yes sir, I believe she is.”
> 
> \--ok yes i suck at chapter summaries ---

**Day 0 Continued**  
  
  
“Because she would like you not to know. She did ask if ..in her words...’if you would like to play a game.?”

  
=======================================================================

“What? Is she playing hide and seek with spy's, superheroes and geniuses.?” Stark asked of the disembodied voice

_“Yes sir, I believe she is.”_

Coulson looked at Pepper and she smiled back as if knowing exactly what was going on.

Apparently Ryan had read the psych reports before coming over. ‘Good Girl’ Coulson thought.

Games, puzzles, cat and mouse, and a mystery is what intrigued this group. Coulson did wonder how she convinced Jarvis to help.

_“She also asked that I not help in any way. You must find her and neutralize her yourself with no technological assistance from me. neutralization weapons have been provided in the duffle bag. I have scanned them, they are safe.”_

Natasha opened the bag. Inside was handheld weapons modified for paintballs.

“Well shit it can't be that hard. Will you tell us where you let her out at.”

_“Yes I can tell you this game will be confined in the non public floors and areas.”_

“Ok so that leaves open floor 18 to 93.  And the roof.”

“Ok, Jarvis did she designate who can play?” Asked Banner as he inspected the paintball gun.

_“Yes. Everyone is allowed to play. But she asked me to remind you that this is an elimination game. Once she finds and tags you, you must return to the living room and wait.”_

“Alright. Us against Her. This shouldn't take long” said Stark.

“I will take the vents” said Barton. He did know them better than anyone, including Stark. “I will go with you” said Natasha. everyone nodded.  

everyone looked at Steve. He was the one “with the plan” as Stark always said (mostly making fun of him, but it usually turned out to be true)

“Ok. Banner and Stark together.  Go from top to bottom and see of you can limit her movements by boxing her in.  Me, Thor, and Jane will start at floor 18. Darcy with Coulson and Pepper, go to the labs and block access. She said we couldn't use Jarvis. She didn't indicate technology without Jarvis in it. Walkie Talkies and manual door lock down. I believe there is a station of radios on this floor?”

“In the hallway right outside the main doors.. I'm impressed Cap, you read the Jarvis building manual.” said Stark.

“Well I wanted to know what to do if Jarvis was compromised.”

“That would never happen” Stark said offended.

“Well, right now, we are playing like it has, so it's helped.”

“Fair enough.”

“Alright everyone grab supplies lets do this.”

With orders from Captain America everyone grabbed a cupcake and headed to get the supplies.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was after hours for people in the Tower so the fact that the Avengers spread out looking like they were in the middle of a fight went unnoticed except by the front door security guard who Jarvis ended up dismissing for the night to lock the Tower down. No sense for civilians to get hurt in this game.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time the Avengers were ready to box in the Agent it was 5:30 and Darcy was missing.

“Where is she ?” said Steve

“I don't know she went to the bathroom while we grabbed the walkie talkies and didn't come back out.” replied Jane, now looking slightly worried.

“Shit. She got her.” replied Barton.

““What do you think she did?” asked Pepper.

“I don't know, but since we haven't seen Darcy we should assume either tied up or knocked out” replied Stark.

“Really? you think Ryan would do that?” asked Jane tentatively

“I don't know, I don't know her. How do I know what she would do?” said Stark defensively.

They all turned to Coulson

“Maybe Darcy is already in the common room like Ryan told us to do when we were caught. “ interrupted Natasha.

Everyone except Tony looked embarrassed that they forgot that detail.

“Maybe. We will look on our way up to the top floors.” Said Stark. “Alright let's go.”

Turns out Darcy was not in the common room.

“Jarvis where is Darcy.?” asked Banner

_“Sir, I cannot tell you that information.”_

“...Jarvis…” Stark said warningly.

_“I can inform you that she is unharmed. Do not worry. if agent Ryan had ulterior motives this game would end. “_

“Ok, if it does..” asked Banner

_“Sir, you all will be immediately informed”_

“Ok. So you can't tell us anything.” asked Banner.

_“No sir.”_

“Fine, what kind of AI are you? not to help your creator win this game?” said Stark with annoyance.

_“One who is intrigued by the game agent Ryan and come up with.”_

With that, Stark huffed and Banner gave a quiet laugh.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darcy was in fact ok. She was now equipped with a hand held paint gun and drinking coffee with agent Ryan in Coulsons personal quarters. He did have the best coffee.

Turns out, Darcy and Sam had been friends for 6 months doing lunch dates and dance clubs playing wingman to each other. So it didn't take long for Coulson and Pepper to come along and find them mid-laughter.

“Having fun?” Coulson said with an air of humor..before he realized they were drinking his coffee.

“Of course you do have the best coffee.”

“I'm impressed. They are enjoying your game. But I can't play all night”

“That's fine. I can tag you and then you can go to bed. ”

“Or I could tag you and the game is over..

“You wouldn't” Ryan said with a smug smile.

“Why not?”

“Because you are enjoying this. Watching them work together. And, they are not blowing anything up.By the way, how did you find us so quickly?, i thought you were going to the labs to lock them down.”

“Fair assessment of the team. As to finding you, that was an accident. .I wanted to change into something that wouldn't get paint splatter on it. What do you plan to do with Miss Potts here?”

“Well Miss Potts you have 2 choices be tagged and have to stop playing or come to the dark side and have some fun.”

Pepper took one second to decide. “Let's go beat the Avengers.“

“Alright I'm in, I can sleep on the plane.” said Coulson with bravado.  
  


\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Pepper. Coulson. You there?. Hello. Do you hear me.?” said Stark to the radio.

“Damn. I think they are gone too. Shit.” Stark and Banner had cleared 5 floors going down.

“Thor, Jane, Cap. Where are you.?”

“We are floor 22. Coulsons quarters. We found 2 cups of coffee. Both with lipstick and one of Peppers shoes.  Still clearing the floor, but I think they are gone.” said Steve.

“Ok so what is our thought? Taken out of play, cohesion, or playing for the dark side?” asked Stark over the static.

”“I think Darcy is playing along. Pepper too probably.  And Coulson is tied up in a closet.” replied Jane.

“No way Phil switched sides”. Came over the walkie talkie. It was Barton. “He would be on our side. And he would go down fighting.”

“Ok so odds are tied up somewhere and out of play.” said Banner.

“Barton. Romanov. Anything.?” asked Steve

“We found Ryan’s bag. Stuffed in the vents on floor 18. And open vent on 19. So far nothing. Headed to join up in 22.”

“Ok sounds good.”

“Alright we have doors locked from 18 to 31 and 65 to 93. The box is getting smaller.” Stark said as he looked around his lab on 64.  “Bruce is finishing up locking the doors on 64”. Tony walked to the back room to check and see what was taking him so long. He wasn't there. Crap.

“Cap, Bruce is gone. “

“Jane just disappeared too.” Came Steve's voice. “How is she doing this?”

“Darcy..she's helping.” said Stark

“Thor isn't happy” responded Steve

“Thor chill! This is a game. Jane would normally put up a huge fight if this was real.” came barton over the radio.

“I know this to be true but still highly upsetting. I know Darcy would not lead her into danger”

“Yah. Don't worry. Once we catch Ryan the game will be over and you can hold your Jane again” came Starks voice.

“Nat and I are going to split up, see if we can do this faster.”

“Ok, be careful check in every 5 minutes.” Cap said. “Everyone! check in in 5 minutes. “

There came a group of voices agreeing.

Tony was honestly surprised this game was taking so long. It was already 8.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Banner sat at a table with a nice hot cup of tea on front of him on floor 64, one floor below a genius who had to have noticed by now that Bruce was gone. Ryan wasn't stupid. She was not going to point a gun at him even if it was harmless and full of paint.  She read his file. He was the one she was concerned about in this game. The ‘Other Guy’ as Banner called him would act unknowingly to this. So she was happy for Darcy. All it took to get Banner away from Stark was to have Darcy go over and tap him on the shoulder and drag him with her. He didn't put up a fight. He was more curious than anything.

~~~~

“Alright. Now you got me. Am I out of the game?” Bruce asked with mild curiosity

“Not if you want to be. I just wasn't sure how to play this with the ‘Other Guy’. There is no intention of people getting hurt. We are currently in ‘timeout”, to talk.   Now you can choose. You can go back to Stark, not play at all and go back to the Living Room, or help us get everyone else.”

“Is your plan to get everyone on your side or eliminate them?”  He looked around the room. Pepper was not there, but Darcy was sitting at the lab table by the door.

“It's up to them. Stark will never give up so I expect to go through my paint balls. As well as Thor and Cap. All 3 staying going down in battle. Jane may come to my side and frankly I think she will want to shoot Thor for the fun of it, Pepper wants to shoot Stark for dismantling the coffee maker. And Cap will jump in front of both Stark and Thor. I haven't figured you out yet.

“And Nat and Clint?”

“Oh I have plans for them” Ryan smiled.

“Coulson is part of it, isn't he.” he acknowledged the other side of the room where there were 3 coffee cups without owners.

“Actually, We decided to bind Coulson and stick him in a closet, who thought he would get testy when he found out we drank his coffee”. Said Darcy from the table.

Banner shook his head slightly. giving a small laugh and a smile toward Darcy.  

“I actually think I will NOT be on your side. I appreciate your kid gloves on the Other Guy. Am I out of the game?

“Like I said before, timeout. .I promise no harm will come to you or your team. If you feel safe I will leave and have Jarvis unlock the door in 2 minutes and you can return to your team and we continue the game. Or you can proceed to the Living room. It's 100% up to you.”

“I'm good” Banner smiled at Ryan.

“Ok great” Ryan said and stood up.

“Jarvis, timeout is over give me 2 minutes then you can let Bruce out.”

“Of course Agent Ryan.” came the disembodied voice.

Banner reacted to Jarvis by looking up to the ceiling during his response. When finished he looked around the room and Ryan, and Darcy were gone.

“I like her” he said to himself.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

“She...just wanted to “talk?” ased Stark confused.

Banner, Stark, Steve, and Thor were gathered on floor 51.  Once Bruce we let out of the locked room he called for everyone to come to him.  Nat and Barton were on their way up from floor 37 air ducts.

“Yes. She wanted to make sure the Other Guy wants going to break anything.”

“and…?”

“I’m actually ok. ‘He’ seems satisfied that nothing will happen to any of you. So i feel in control.”

“Did you get any intel?” asked Steve.

“Darcy and Pepper are definitely helping her. She also thinks Jane will help. She has plans for Nat and Clint. and Coulson is tied up, i think he is a hostage.”  

“Oh! like hell her plans for us will work!..NOT!  and Coulson. If she hurt him. Oh im going to… i don't know but it will involve decaf…” came Bartons voice as he stumbled out of the air vent. “Right Nat?”....”Nat?”  He turned around to the vent. “Natasha?. Well Shit. I think she went to the dark side” No surprise in his voice.

“So we lost the girls?” Said Stark.

“ What kind of trap is this? is she using some sort of magic? why are the women working against us?” THor said on the side of panic. Jane being ‘missing’ is not working well with him.

“Dude, Chicks before Dicks!” said Stark. “ Sometimes Women just need that”

Steve shook his head and Banner gave a small smile. Thor looks slightly confused. 


	4. Paint War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this chapter will finish day 0.

Day +0: Saturday Continued  
  
Ten more floors were cleared going down from the lab on 64. . The boys decided splitting up was not in their best interest now that Ryan had a team.

Nothing happened until at a T-section on floor 52 which contained R&D. The lights went out on the entire floor. The only light was coming from the city through windows. The floor was separated into small individual working room with draft tables and electronic stations for those who liked to work without people.  then there were open “living areas” with benched and tables looking out over the city to huge windows floor to ceiling. and a large open space in the middle for large production meetings.  Tony got the idea from GOOGLE about open and closed areas depending on the person. everyone is creative in their own way. Tony enjoyed open and loud music, while his father enjoyed a closed office and quiet or quiet music he could humm too.

The boys were almost in the middle of the floor in the open area and without main lights Tony tripped over a beanbag and Clint laughed and fell over. Thor began poking the char and Bruce watched them shaking his head.  Something caught Bruce's attention.

“What was that?” said Bruce pointing to a dark area by the T-section? “ Something just ran past!”

“Do you think they are corralling us?” asked Steve.

“Anything is possible, Nat is a ninja but Jane and Darcy are a bit clumsy and Pepper, well she scary in heels, i don't want to find out how terrifying she is barefoot….and Ryan, who knows i didn't get that far in her file” Replied Stark.

All the boys turned in unison and raised their paintball guns at a squeaking behind them. an office rolling chair was moving toward them.

“ok..I don't get it” whispered Stark.

“Shh” hissed Barton. raising his weapon and moving toward the chair. Clint was in his element. This was an element of Nat...sneaky. He approached the chair while being covered by the others just in case.  He spun the chair to see the side away from him expecting a grenade, or a stuffed clown.  There was a note in nice script instead.

 _If you want Agent Phil Coulson back in one piece our demands are simple:  
_ _1) once a month a movie choice can be over-ruled through a majority of those present._  
2) When Tony brakes/repairs something that doesn't need to be fixed, he must acquire a reasonable apology (ex: shoes)  
3) There must always be Chocolate Chunk Butter Pecan ice cream in the common freezer (even if you finish it off, you need to replace it CLINT)  
4)  All members reading this note must get at least 6 hours of sleep when being awake over 48 hours straight.  
5) No lightning on windy day unless NY is in danger (do you know how much friz-ezze I have had to buy since Thor got here?)  
***If these terms are agreeable please hop up and down on one foot while patting your head and rubbing your stomach and saying “ Caw Caw”. If you do not agree then sing “Their Taking Hobbits to Isengard” so we may know your decision." 

“Wow, are we that mean to them?” said Clint to the room?

“What is a Hobbit?” asked Thor

“You know that long movie about a ring with a volcano? “ said Stark

“ yes”

“there is a song they want us to sing based on that movie.” said Bruce.

“Are they serious with these demands?” replies Steve

“I’m actually not sure whats going on, probably trying to confuse us?”

“Mental warfare….that is horrible. i hate when Nat does that to me” said Clint looking back at the note in his hand. “Alright. if this is just a diversion, what is it diverting us from?”

there came a sound from down the hall before anyone could answer.

“There. I saw someone run past the hallway intersection” cried Steve.

they all went running and skidded to a halt before the corner knowing full well this could be a trap.

sitting in the middle of the hallway was one of Darcy’s teddy bears wearing a tie.

“I know that tie, that's Phils'. WHAT THE HELL? if you hurt him.” Clint began crying to the room at large. he was getting angry. there was giggling in the vents.

Steve helped Clint get into the vent situated above them.  Inside he found a radio set for auto detection of voice.  The ladies heard the entire conversation without being in the area. Clint turned the radio off with a huff.

“Alright they outsmarted us, now what?” asked Bruce

“I suggest divide and conquer each floor. two from the east stairwell and two from the west stairwell and sweep each floor going towards the grand meeting room and Hawk from above” announced Thor

“That's a good idea. Bruce , Thor take East. Me and Tony will take West and Barton hit the vents again. then when we get close to the living floor we will trap them and have them cornered.”

You don't think they went down?

No” replied Thor with confidence

Why do you think so? asked Clint

“This Ice Cream. It is a favorite of Darcy and Jane. Recently Natasha was observed eating it as well. I find when i think about food too often i crave it, such as the pop of tarts.  I believe the ladies went to eat the ice cream.” …” And if not was can work out way back down” he stated with an afterthought.

“Alright man with the plan. lets go! “ said Stark slapping one of Thor's pectorals.  

\----------------------------------------------

 

Heading back up the tower there were sweeping through very quickly and not finding anything odd. When hitting the 80th floor there was a note in the main stairwell.

_“We will not enter any occupied residential floor due to the gross factor -xoxo The girls xoxox”_

“Definitely from Darcy” said Bruce.

“so they think we are messy?” asked Steve

decidedly they would check floor 80 and 81 since they were guest floors and they were currently empty. On floor 81 Clint popped out of the vent because of odd sounds coming from a linen closet.

“Do you hear that?” asked Thor.  It was a banging sound coming from the closet.

“open it slowly” said Stark and Barton stayed back and prepared to discharge the paint gun.

“Shit. Phil!”

It was Coulson, hands and feet bound and duct tape covering his mouth.

“Shit what happened?” i thought they had you hostage somewhere drinking coffee .”

“When they realized the floors were slowly being cleared and only a few remained, i decided to make a run for it. I got one floor away and unfortunately they found me fairly quick. That was me you saw running earlier on the R&D floor.  Nat and Pepper secured me tied me up and threw me in the closet.”

“Really?” said Stark unsure of the story.

“Considering my hands were still tied i couldn't climb into the vents like i originally planned. The girls are playing to win, i hope you know.” Barton finished untying Coulson and got a stern look, “ok lets go get them, they want to play rough...thats fine with me.”

Phil grabbed the radio off his belt and turned it off. making sure all eyes were watching him.  “Also they wanted me to tell you that....  They are ready for you on the top floor. They have my coffee hostage.  They also said if i help them win they will owe me a month supply. But…” he left the sentence linger.  Phil Turned the radio back on and gave hand signals to indicate that they were now being spied on.

All the boys smiled knowing it was just a game, but if the girls wanted to play “to win” then there were no boundaries anymore.

\-----------

“ Good they bought it” as Nat put down the headset and picked up her bowl of ice cream.

“When do you think they will notice Coulson has a radio on him?”  asked Jane

“ they are on their way up i guess it won't take long.” said Ryan. “This is good ice cream, where do you get it?”

“Down the road at the coffee shop. they do a side business and re-named the flavor Women Save the World (WStW)  because we order it so much” Said Jane cleaning her bowl

“Well i will eat this till i am 300 pounds i don't care. if i die tomorrow, this is my last meal” Said Ryan polishing off her bowl too.

Darcy and Pepper were on their second bowl completely happy and content.

“How do we know Phil won't betray us, after-all Clint is there, he does this pouting thing that would make me do anything he wanted. Never tell him that” Darcy said quickly  pointing her spoon at everyone in the room. “ and i know for a fact it works on Coulson when they are not on mission.”

“We don't that's why we have a plan C” said Ryan smiling and looking at the room.

“And whats that?” asked Jane

“We shoot them all” responded Natasha with an evil grin.

Ryan lifted her spoon and all the ladies followed suit and “clinked” spoons. “Let the women rule battle” said Pepper. And Natasha, Darcy, Jane, and Ryan copied the rallying cry.

It was close to 11:00 and it was time for the game to end thought Ryan. Coulson said he wanted to get to bed. now was as good a time as any. She was getting tired and ready to curl up with a book.

“Alright, are we ready to bring the boys up? i have a book that is screaming my name.” Asked Ryan to the room at large.

everyone nodded with an air of excitement and ready to call the game to an end. The guys hadn't caught them, and were never close.

“Alright, signal Coulson” said Ryan to Jane who had the radio connected to Coulson.

Jane hit the send button 4 times to indicate that Coulson needed to herd the guys to the main communal room.  

“Ready” said Jane.

each grabbed a bowl from the center of the table and headed to their battle stations.  Each bowl had 5 “paint bombs” Ryan had brought the “ammo” with her knowing these would be used for a great purpose.  

\-------------------------------------

Phil heard the 4 quick static feedback  They were ready. Phil moved to turn off the radio. Clint noticed first and had the rest stop. They were only on the 89th floor.

“I have to tell you all something.  They are ready for you on the top floor. They just sent the signal.”

“alright. lets end this” said Steve. everyone else nodded with fierce determination.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you know their plan Phil?” asked Steve

“Yes, they will flank the east doors, i was supposed to guide you there.  Then using ‘paint bombs’ all of you would get ambushed.” replied Phil.

“Easy, we go in the west doors and surprise them” said Stark

“Yes but this battle plan sounds too easy for those who are involved. we must walk in their shoes, yes?” asked Thor

“Thor has a point. What if we go through the east doors and Barton comes from the ceiling. ?” suggested Bruce.

“Sounds good, anyone have objections?’

“lets go invade the Alamo!” said Clint and Phil rolled his eyes and followed after them to the 93rd floor.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Thing almost went as planned.

Clint moved to through the air ducts while Steve, and Bruce held their positions at the east door to the common floor.

Stark and Coulson positioned themselves at the west doors and Thor at a back emergency door. at exactly 2 minutes they were going to rush in and shoot anything that moved.

at the designated time 6 men stormed into the room for all access points...to an empty room. there were ice cream bowls on the table and several pairs of heels by the sofa.

“well shirt where are they? said stark.

just then the ladies came from the kitchen and the bathroom all armed.

“Well it looks like a Mexican standoff.  They are usually not this fun, they usually involve death and tequila. i like this version a lot more.” came Bartons ass-hat response.

Everyone was In the living space in an irregular circle with paint wall weapons pointed at someone on the opposing team.

“I don't think we are all going to get out of this unscathed” Said Stark.

the room became very tense for several minutes. then all hell broke loose.

Natasha and Colson shoot Clint   
Darcy shot Bruce   
Jane shot Steve  
Pepper shot Thor   
Ryan shot Tony    
Natasha shoots Colson

Clint shoots Natasha and Jane   
Bruce shot Darcy   
Steve shot Sam  
Tony shot Pepper   
Thor shot Ryan

And all the “paint bombs” ended up on Coulson.

everyone dissolved into laughter.

~~~~~~~~~  
20 min pass  
~~~~~~~~~

“Well thank you everyone for playing along. I am Agent Samantha Ryan. I am going to clean up and crash for the night. and take a shower.” She said while peeling some of the paint off her arm. “You don't have anything scheduled till 11am. Have a good night everyone” Ryan waved and went to floor 80 where she was informed her suitcase was relocated there thanks to JARVIS.

The rumbas were busy trying to clean up the mess in the main room while everyone was in the kitchen polishing off the ice cream the girls started earlier in the evening.

As everyone wound down and Pepper moved to head to the other guest floor , she needed to get up early, might as well just stay in the tower tonight  Darcy headed out too, she actually had to report to SHILED by 8am.  Darcy got the short end of the weekend cover shift while Wilkinson has appendicitis. But no one missed the ‘subtle’ wink to Bruce.  They had had this odd flirting thing for weeks. there was a pool going on for who would make the first move.  Jane and Thor moved to leave too. He had been asking her quietly why she was ‘against him’. she only laughed as said it was because it was fun and she didn't mean anything by it. (no one believe it for a second, she thought it was hilarious).

Steve and Natasha were discussing in depth about the game they played and discussed different tactics that could be changed in the future.

Clint, Coulson, Stark were talking with JARVIS about what security protocols could be modified.

Phil yawned and Clint became very aware of the time.  “Well my man needs to hit the hay. he has an early flight.”

“Thanks, but i do have a question for Nat before i go, why did I get shot by both sides?” asked Phil

“Because you were playing turncoat.  We couldn't risk you afterwards. Plan C” Replied Natasha as she walked out the door to her quarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW. Grad school sucks. i miss my "me" time


	5. Day +1: SUNDAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunday. its a lazy day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this is filler. its sunday. its lazy. everyone is happy. dont worry. monday will suck!

It was a lazy morning for all those in Avengers tower.

Phil slept in till 7am with Clint wrapped like an octopus around him.  Phil slowly untangled him and began his morning routine and packing his bag for the week long trip.  His flight was at 10am and thanks to the private SHIELD plaine he did not need to worry about commercial flights. At 8:30 JARVIS interrupted Phil's coffee sipping and half finished crossword puzzle with Steve making pancakes in the common kitchen.  He went to wake Clint up. He loved pancakes.  

Tony was in his lab tinkering after sleeping exactly 4 hours.  He woke to a great idea from a dream about a flying coffee mug.  It would fill itself from the coffee pot and come flying to you on the couch. or in his case the lab bench. It was something stupid but it occupied his mind while JARVIS was performing a data backup at an off site location.  He was interrupted by JARVIS secondary system that Steve was making pancakes. No one but him could tell the difference in the primary and backup JARVIS, but he could, he smiled to himself.  

Steve woke at 6am and headed for the gym. this was his place of peace..besides his art studio. but here, he could drown out the world, not think. sometimes that was better than focusing on what strokes the paint brush should take, of the color was right. here he could think. Steve enjoyed sundays. they seem to be the days everyone takes a moment to breath and enjoy where they are. Once finished with his workout pancakes sounded delicious. “JARVIS i am making pancakes for everyone if they would like them” and headed to a shower and the common kitchen.

Darcy was sneaking out of Bruce's floor when JARVIS informed her that Steve was making pancakes in the common kitchen.  

Bruce awoke alone on the couch. Him and Darcy stayed up talking, laughing, drinking tea and eventually just being in each other's company. Eventually the fell asleep, her in his arms. He knew she snuck out but realized that was not what woke him. It was JARVIS asking him a question quietly, letting him choose to hear or not.  Informing him there were pancakes. Bruce showered and headed to the common kitchen

Thor and Jane woke to JARVIS asking if they would like pancakes. they didn't get much sleep the night before due to Thor still being upset that Jane shot him with paint.. Jane was happy each floor was soundproof. THey decided pancakes sounded “GLORIOUS” after the night's events.

Natasha awoke to the sun rise.  The tower had become her sanctuary. For months she slept like she would in the field. But over time and many security verifications and of course JARVIS it became a place to drop the spy and always vigilant side and actually sleep. She sat in her living room performing morning stretches staring out the floor to ceiling windows over New York. Hearing the coffee pot ding announcing splendid caffeine being ready. She returned to her spot with a hot mug and a sappy romance novel that only clint and phil knew she had. Sundays always seemed a lazy day. For a city that never sleeps it seems everyone enjoys the lazy sunday morning. He morning relaxation and book were interrupted by JARVIS asking if she wanted pancakes. She headed up to the common kitchen.

Samantha Ryan awoke to an alarm ready to start her assignment. Agent Coulson had already emailed her all the relevant information needed including their schedule for the week.  Thank goodness no media events. only a few meetings at SHIELD and training exercises. other than that they were free to do what they wished for the week.  Sam hoped it would be quiet and nothing would go wrong. But reading what happened to the others, she knew that would not happen. Coffee and reports awaited her in the kitchen in her guest floor. She thanked JARVIS and began going through the reports on the table. She was interrupted by JARVIS inviting her to the common floor for pancakes. She filed her coffee and headed to the elevator banks.

 

All were assembled for pancakes, and a full breakfast for a group that could wipe out a normally stocked kitchen. Good thing the Avengers tower kitchen is not normal.

“Good morning everyone” said Agent Ryan to the very occupied kitchen and eating space.

There were some grunts and a few “mornings”, obviously coffee was in demand. Only Agent Coulson was out of pajamas.  He was in nice jeans and a button up dark purple shirt with the sleeves rolled up, obviously ready to go on his trip.  It was odd to see him out of his standard black suit. But in reality he looked better this way, more relaxed. Ryan wondered if this was normal. it seemed like it.

It was only 9am but Ryan decided since everyone was present she would just get the detail out of the way and let everyone have their day. Maybe she could go down to the bookstore she noticed around the corner.

As everyone sat at various seats in the living room and kitchen she announced to the room “Excuse me everyone. i know it's early, we were going to have a meeting at 11, but since everyone is here…” the room quieted and she looked around to see everyone looking at her. “OK...tomorrow you have a training exercise at the dock location at 9:15am. YOur schedules for the week are already in your calendars, thanks to JARVIS.  Unless a level 3 emergency happens i have nothing else for you today.” she finished with no gusto.  She thought she was ready for this. But having everyone of these people look at her with blank non-awake stares made her feel very small. maybe she should have waited till 11 like she told everyone.

“That's it?” Tony asked. Ryan noded. “Great! Agent would have droned for hours about not doing something stupid...no offense..but i find i can't tune you out like i can everyone else.  Maybe i should invent something to tune out your decibels..” Tony grabbed a pen from behind his ear and a napkin with syrup and began to doodle.

“Well i should get going” said Coulson “You want to take me to the airport?” he directed at Clint. Clint grabbed his last pancake, rolled it into a burrito and followed Coulson to the elevator banks.

Coulson turned back to Agent Ryan “Remember if you need anything, you know how to get a hold of me.” and he was gone.

Everyone dispersed to their own thing for the rest of the day.

As Agent Ryan walked to the bookstore, coffee in hand from the corner bakery she had a quick thought that she regretted 30 seconds later “maybe this assignment won't be too bad.”

 

 


	6. Day +2: MONDAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monday. who likes mondays?

Day +2: MONDAY

Training was a disaster. Agent Ryan wasn't lying. she was pissed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Agent Ryan had been waiting at the harbor warehouse training facility since 8:00am.  She had gotten there early to finish paperwork and stop at the cafe down the street to get a breakfast burrito (they were very tasty) and a large coffee. So far it had been a good morning. and the plan was by 11:30 the training session would be done and the rest of the day off baring and villainous intrusion. When 10:00 came and went she checked to make sure there were no red alerts. Nothing. as 11:00 flew past she was beginning to wish she has brought her book and maybe her workout clothes so she could go for a run to burn off the ire building inside her. At 11:30 she called for lunch to be delivered for herself and the 3 other agents at the SHIELD location. At 1:00 the SUV carrying Earths Mightiest Superheros showed up.

“You're late! I was going to give you an easy day, but because you wasted my morning waiting for you all to show up. im wasting your afternoon. hope you didn't have anything planned.” Ryan said calmly.

“Shit i think shes mad at us” Stark said softly to Barton

“you think?” replied Barton

“We are sorry were late, some things came up and I should have called” said Steve sheepishly

“Cap, you are team leader, you should know how to get your team to move and be on time. Even Tony. I am well aware that he is a stubborn genius but i have also seen you have a way to deal with his ass. step up. this is on you.” Ryan turned and walked back into the warehouse where the other 3 agents were waiting and not looking happy.

Earth's Mightiest Super Heroes looked sheepish as they followed her into the building.

\-------

This training facility was controlled by an AI program (Hal, yes,Stark had a sense of humor) commissioned by SHIELD and designed by Stark where the bots attack could be determined and randomized.  It was not sophisticated as JAVIS but it was smart. Spiderman and his team trained here almost exclusively because of their training level (they still needed training, they were only kids afterall).  The Avengers only used this area if their main facility was unusable.  Which in this case it was. it was being fumigated for rats and cockroaches.    

The warehouse was cavernous.  The observation deck looked over the training space that took over the whole building.  it was re-enforced steel and modular to simulate a variety of situations.

The Heroes walked in the center of a flat floor, no protection,  preparing for the program to begin.

up in the observation deck:

“Hal, please set training level to 8”

The three agents turned to her. Henrick and Jacobs looks scared and unsure, while Miller looked evil with delight at watching the program kick the hero's asses.

“I must advise agent Ryan that that level is in the red stage of the training module” Replied Hal the AI.

“Yes Hal, I am fully aware. Please run the simulation with safety procedures on.” She replies while taking a seat and looking through the observation window.

\-------------------

It was after 6 when the Avengers made it back to the tower.  They hadn't seen Agent Ryan  when they left.  After the training session the voice of another agent came over the comm telling them they succeeded and were free to go home. All of them were sporting some form of bruse or bleeding cuts.  Stark had realized the safety features were still on so the bots would not break an arm or anything so that was comforting.

“That sucked!” said Barton holding an ice back to his shoulder

“I agree. I do believe this was payback on her part for being late.  It did seem rather harsh. I do believe she would be a great sparring partner with the Lady Siff” Said Thor as he rummaged through the pantry closet for Pop-Tarts.

“Are we ordering in?... Hey JARVIS can you call the Thi place for our regular order?” said Stark to the ceiling before anyone could answer his own question.

“Of course sir” came the dulcet tone.

“ She had a point though. We did disrespect her and she felt this version of punishment was the way to get through to us” said Steve to the room

“ We should have brought her some coffee” said Barton as he threw another ice pack to Natasha for her thigh.

“ I highly doubt that would have been a proper apology” she said.

“I just hope she is not angry with us anymore” said Banner. “ I am going to check on my samples in the lab. you know where to find me when dinner arrives” He left muttering about needing a cup of tea.

The rest of the group dispersed with their ice packs. Steve went to his room to grab his art pad to bring back to the common room while waiting for dinner to arrive.  Natasha went to shower and change as well as grab her weapon cleaning kit.  Thor went to inform Jane that he was back and dinner was on its way.

Stark and Barton moved toward the couch and were talking in hushed tones while JARVIS was cuing up the most recent Walking Dead episode.

“I think we should pay her back. I mean we were just 4 hours late, plus its not like the world was ending. and remember we know what that is like...it just doesn't seem fair to sick killer robots on us”  Said Stark to Barton.

“what should we do?” asked Barton with an evil smirk

“ I have an idea…” Said Stark.

\-------

It was past 9pm when Agent Ryan got back to the tower. She needed to write the report on why the training level was higher than what was approved.  When she set it she knew that there would have to be a report but she was so upset she didn't care.  Now on the other hand she was tired and wanted a cup of tea, her book, and a fire.

It started out soft. To be honest she heard the buzz when she walked in but attributed it to the lights.  It was midnight before she realized that the buzz was actually music. and 12:30 before she realized what song it was.

“JARVIS, why are you playing this song?”

“I apologize agent Ryan, i have been programed to inform you that you can't turn it off and it is programmed to increase in volume every half hour till it reached my max level of 100 decibels. I am truly sorry”

Ryan was impressed that she felt JARVIS really was sorry for what sounded like to be a bad night. She moved to the bathroom to take a shower and the sound followed her.  

“JARVIS…. let me get this straight, if i change rooms the song will follow me. And theoretically if i shoot the speaker...i'm assuming there is a contingency plan of  it getting louder”

“Yes”

“And i don't have the proper authority in your system to override this”

“No ma'am”

“Let me guess the only one who can turn this off is Stark and he is not and will not answer his comm”

“Yes ma’am”

“So i'm stuck listening to this all night”

“Yes ma’am”

“Alright. He wants to play. Fine. JARVIS what is on the agenda for tomorrow?”

A moment of silence then “One SHIELD meeting about community service initiative at 2:00pm”

“Alright. Secure my laptop connection to S.H.I.E.L.D. So not even Stark can monitor it. Can you do that?”

“Yes ma’am but i need an authorization “

“Fine how is this. Coulson Red Alpha Nineer Omega”

“That code will work. May i ask where that code came from”

“Coulson gave it to me before he left incase i needed a secure non Stark monitored connection. I suppose this code will not work to disable the song?“

“I apologize ma’am, No”

“JARVIS please monitor where all residents are.”

“All are in their designated areas. “

“Alright please inform me if they leave their areas”

“Very well.”

“And JARVIS, please set the tower alarm, non shutdown/override for 5:30am. Same authorization code.”

“Very well Agent Ryan and ...I am sorry about the song.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading


End file.
